Tag Archives: Phellito Vs The State

Mind Yo Business Lady

The audacity some people have. I had a lady, a friend of my mom’s no less, tell me the other day that I NEED to go back to school. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone minus my brother who I’ve pretty much helped raised since birth what they NEED to do. NEED is a strong word to use towards someone who you have no clue what they’ve been through or what they’re doing.

It’s even worse when your suggestion comes with no basis whatsoever…her reason why I NEED to go back to school? So we can have a party. I guess it’s in her best interest since she’s a caterer. Forget that since leaving school four years ago due to reasons she’ll never know I’ve done more to upgrade my life and the lives of others than I could have ever done if I would’ve stayed. Forget that if I stay alive long enough I’ll soon be able to help thousands of people better their lives. Forget that I’m very happy and I’m a better human being physically, mentally and spiritually since I decided to teach myself. Forget that celebrations and parties annoy me. Forget all that…I NEED to go back to school so she can party.

Joke or no joke, she’s on the list.

Still I Play The Starring Role In Phellito’s Way


“I don’t invite this sh*t, it just comes to me. I run, it runs after me. Gotta be somewhere to hide.”

June Bug

It’s good to write and write honest. If this blog does nothing else, it allows me to reference back to turning points in my life; see where things went right and where things went wrong. Just doing some research I found this post from last June. It was when my car got broken into outside of my families apartment. A few days later, another break in. Several other things happened that month that made it seem like the world as I knew it was coming to an end. A few months later, my family left that apartment and moved into a house in a much safer place and all of that were distant memories.

When you pick up and move 200 miles away from every bit of support you’ve ever had in your life, you lose a lot. That’s anybody — from Bill Gates to Joe Schmoe who just moved from Idaho to Kentucky to sell light bulbs. Little money that used to help take care of this and that suddenly isn’t there. Little meals that used to get cooked for you aren’t there. Bills increase drastically. The mental and physical demands of trying to establish yourself in your new surrounding take their toll on you.

Let me break out my Choppy Writing Style for this next paragraph to give you a glimpse at my month. CWS, which I invented and want 1000% everytime it’s used, is simply listing words and phrases to allow the reader to draw their own conclusion. It saves time, space, and energy.

Girl. Gone. Father. Coma. Almost. Dead. Mother. Worried. Me. Calm. Pulled Over. Several Times. License. Suspended. Tags. Suspended. Insurance. Suspended. Fines. Heavy. Life Savings. Withdrawn. Rent. Late. Bills. Plenty. Funds. Insufficient. Mother. Worried. Girl. Still Gone. Father. Alive Again. Me. Too Busy Surviving. Can’t Call. Weather. Very Hot. Me. Still Smiling. Working Out. Three Times A Day. Eating. Not At All. Sleeping. Few Hours. Trying To Make It. In America. Business. Not Great. “I’m doing great”. Lying. Quit? Never. Go Harder. Went Harder. Got Dizzy. Got Dizzier. Quit? Never. Go Harder. Went Harder. Got Dizzier. Got Headaches. Got Summoned To Come Home. Went Home.

I watched The Karate Kid yesterday with my little brother and it was a great film. It had so many lessons in it and most of them are things that I’ve thought of or written about recently. One of the biggest things I gained from it was when Mr. Han said to Dre, “life will knock us down, but we can choose whether or not to get back up.” Furthermore, the movie showed that getting back up usually isn’t done alone, not even for the strongest fighter.

Dre Parker had to retreat back to Mr. Han and whatever that girls name was. Muhammad Ali had Angelo Dundee. Rocky had Mickey and Adrian as his support system. We all need to be reminded how great we are, who and what we’re fighting for, then get back up. For me, it’s been my true friends and family. They’ve really been in my corner and gotten me back and ready to fight again.

I was almost reluctant to write this because I didn’t want it to come off as complaining, self-pity, or anything like that. It’s none of the above. I just know that we’re all human and we all go through it — for me it just happens to be every June. Someone, somewhere, at some time, will read this and hopefully they’ll be reminded that they need to get back up and fight.

Phellito’s Way: 2A.M. Rambling

It’s 2 in the morning. For the first time since I moved here to New Jersey, I fell asleep in the living room, on the uncarpeted floor, at 10pm nonetheless. I think if someone walked in, they would have thought for sure that I OD’d on something, but I didn’t. Just exhaustion is what that was — or like my man Carlito would say, “tired baby…tired”.

Since I’m up and sleep is nowhere in sight, let’s jot down some thoughts I may or may not regret in the morning.

  • More and more I’m coming to terms with the fact that a lot of people don’t want IT, at least not the way I want IT. I can’t really define IT, but whatever IT is, comes at a price many just aren’t willing to pay. This shouldn’t be news to me but I’m one of those naive people that believes in everyone and believes everyone wants to, can be, and will be great. Laziness, ego, pride, and a few other factors will be the demise of many. Ego and pride, I may have, but they are non-factors when it’s time for me to do what I need to do. I’m no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there are plenty of obstacles in life — self-imposed ones only make the journey that much more difficult.
  • Speaking of self-imposed obstacles, one day I’ll share all that has been going on with me the past 3 weeks or so. It’s going to be good. That’s why I can sit here and talk about it in gest, because I know there’ll be a day that it will all be a distant memory and just one more “I remember when” story that I can tell. Stay tuned for that…
  • I watched Jada Pinkett Smith’s new show “Hawthorne” earlier and it was good. The Smith family is doing big business right now and I think it’s cool how Will goes harder for his people than himself. He was in full Obama campaign mode for his son’s “Karate Kid” movie and the same now for his wifes show; a big reason why both are extremely successful.
  • On a professional note, I’ve found one or two big pieces to my puzzle recently. I know I think every piece to the puzzle is big — that’s just my nature, but these people are like the ones that you say in your VH1 story that the day you met them, your life became that much better. I’m willing to bet on it. Time will reveal I suppose.
  • On a personal note, ………………………………………. I don’t know why I find it difficult to talk personal stuff on here now. In my earlier days, I would just say whatever with no censor. I guess something’s are better just left unsaid, at least for a while. I will say that I’m a happily single man, focusing only on my career and nothing else. That last sentence is untrue, I think.
  • Still going hard as ever with the workouts lately. Sometimes as much as three times a day. I don’t know if my body is adjusting but I know for sure that my mind is. I’m becoming a robot again, which is pretty good news. A robot in the sense that only the strongest of things can move me. Everything else, I’m sort of just numb and oblivious too. I wouldn’t recommend that way of living to everyone; we’re human, we should feel. It’s just sometimes your environment is such that feelings get in the way and it may ocassionally require disconnecting the feelings wire to survive.
  • Congratulations to Drake on all those albums sold. The “Thank Me Later” project was solid; I purchased it. I’ve been seeking that groundbreaking debut album like Kanye’s or 50 Cent’s and I’m yet to find it. I’d say Kid Cudi’s project last year was probably the closest to a great debut that I’ve heard. Drake stuck with a formula that he had tested out already and executed it just well enough that you can’t say he had a bad album. I’ll thank him later, when he elevates to a musical plateua I know he can reach. His least selling album will probably be his best. This one was done with the cash registers in mind.
  • Peace!

2010, Not 1864

there arose in some an irrepressible desire for freedom which no danger or power could restrain, no hardship deterred, and no bloodhound could alarm. This desire haunted them night and day; they talked about it to each other in confidence; they knew that the system which bound them was as unjust as it was cruel, and that they ought to strive, as a duty to themselves and their children, to escape from it“.

Source

Emergency Blog: She’ll Only Truly Rest In Peace If…

aiyana

She’ll only truly rest in peace if we fight.

I try not to write or speak with emotion in fear of saying, not the “wrong thing”, but the thing that will distract from the main issue. The main issue here is this:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.”

The above is part of The Declaration of Independence; published and agreed upon by the founding members of this country over 230 years ago. In short, it says that we as a nation are entitled to liberty, the pursuit of Happiness, and certain other civil rights. That a Government is put in place to ensure that we maintain these rights. That if ever a time were to come when these self-evident truths weren’t upheld by the Government, we as the people reserve the right to “change” it till we feel safe and happy again.

I wonder who reads the story of Aiyana Jones and feels safe and happy. A beautiful 7 year old girl awoken from her sleep during a police raid and shot in the forehead in front of her grandmother; brain left on the couch for good measure. This wasn’t a movie, although a camera was rolling for a popular tv show, this was real life. Real life. The one you and I live in. The one you and I already have or may one day bring children into.

This isn’t black and white anymore. I see white people and every other race suffering just as much as we do. This is us. We’ve become so blinded as a society that we don’t even see anything anymore until something drastic happens. We’re so distracted by things that don’t matter that Aiyna Jones will be subjected to a few courtesy R.I.P’s on social networking sites, a few like myself will write about it and speak with friends about it, then next week we’re right back to grabbing popcorn to watch “The First 48″; the show that was allegedly being taped when this young girl was murdered in cold blood. The show that we find so comical and pleasurable.

I’ve never seen the entertainment in people killing each other. I definitely don’t see the entertainment in people telling on those who kill each other. I also see no entertainment in a system that one can argue is designed for us to kill and be home by 8pm to watch our own death on a new 50 inch LCD screen. That’s what we’re doing. We’re killing ourselves and watching it. A lot of us are even enjoying it. When I say killing, I don’t mean literally. I mean in the sense that when growth and progression is what’s expected but instead regression occurs, that’s a killing. A killing of what could be and what could’ve been.

Aiyana Jones could have been a mother and wife someday. Perhaps even the next President, but we’ll never know. Not due to the negligence of one idiot police officer, but due to our own negligence. We’ve neglected the fact that life is a fight. We came in here fighting and we should leave fighting. No one just popped out of their mother’s womb in an effortless manner; we fought to live. When you stop fighting, you die. Yes we now have fast internet, music we no longer have to purchase, and self-glorifying social media tools to distract us. So the struggle is over huh? As long as “I’m getting mine”. None of us is getting ours unfortunately. All we’re getting is closer and closer to complete destruction.

The only way Aiyana Jones and all who’ve fallen victim  to a system that disregards the self-evident truths we’re entitled to will truly rest in peace, is if we fight. I realize not everyone sees things like I do. If I see a problem with a school, I fight it and leave it if need be; label me a dropout. If I see a problem at home, I fight it and leave it if need be; label me a homeless man. If I see a problem with a young lady I’m involved with, I fight it and leave her if need be; label me a control freak. (Note: I said leave, not run away. Leaving implies that the fight will continue just from a distance which is necessarry sometimes to maintain civility.) I’ll take any label except that which so many of us are boldy wearing on our chests – LOST. We’ve lost sight of the fights. We’ve lost sight of the fact that we’re obligated to fight. We ridicule those who still believe in fighting. If ever we do fight, it’s in the name of hurting the wrong enemy or trying to appear strong in front of a misguided audience.

As Lupe Fiasco put it:

Explained all their rules in Roots
But not enough to incriminate
just enough to demonstrate
Why they confused as mutes
Are easily consumed with hoops
Spar greedily for cubes and refused the truh
Followers, easily subdued by flutes
Swallowers, of anything the bandwagon hands them

Four bars of brilliant wordplay to essentially say that we’re lost. He’s coming from a pro-black perspective but believe me, it applies to every race. It’s just more shameful for us black people because of how hard we had to knock to get in the door; only to walk in and lose sight of why we ever wanted to be inside in the first place.

The only saving grace is that as far as we can see, life is a never ending season. Several players are called off the field like Aiyana Jones was but the season itself keeps going. We have every opportunity to turn things around. To do so we don’t need to wear all black and put our fists in the air. We don’t have to blow up or burn anything down. We don’t even have to write letters. We just simply have to look in the mirror on a daily basis and ask ourselves what is worth fighting for and then fight for it. If you ignore laws that make it permissible for officers to enter houses and shoot a little girl, believe me, one day an officer will enter a house and shoot a little girl.

I hope that in the midst of feeling sorrow and anger for  what happened to Aiyana Jones and her family, we take it as an opportunity to feel sorrow and anger for ourselves. For allowing ourselves to become so weak that we invest so much time on trivial matters that the true injustices we should fight go unnoticed. PLEASE UNDERSTAND. Life is to be enjoyed. We should enjoy our technology. We should sing, dance, and play as often as possible. We should try to acquire finances so we can endulge in the luxuries that are available. But that can’t be it. We have to fight. Fight the urge to destructon disguised as entertainment. Fight the urge to scream for peace and live lifestyles that bring the complete opposite. Fight for Aiyana and everyone else who died becase we didn’t fight.

A Tale Of Two Weeks

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Last week was crazy for me. The above picture kind of sums up the whole thing. Let’s go down the list.

Monday – Started off with the young lady that I thought for sure was “the one” making it clear to me that she wasn’t the one. That same night I had some crazy guy trip me while playing basketball. I fell on my elbow and scratched it up pretty nice. A few minutes after that another guy and myself collided shins. Once again, a nice bruise to show for it.

Tuesday – Not too bad. Just a $125 parking ticket and I think I spilled some milk or something. Also cut my finger while trying to peel a potato.

Wednesday – I returned to playing basketball. Before I could get to the gym a fire truck was coming my way and the only way to avoid it was to back into some hard snow. Of course the snow dented my rear bumper. Cost to fix? $350. I still go the gym nonetheless because basketball and running are my best stress relievers. This time no shins collided and no one tripped me. Some Edwards Scissorhands person did cut my wrist and drew a bit of blood. On the drive home someones car kicked up a rock that landed on my windshield and cracked it. Cost to replace? $240.

Thursday – At this point I just stayed home to regroup. No basketball, no knives, and no driving. Death was obviously next and I’m not ready to check out just yet.

Friday – I attempted to help someone jumpstart their car. Some how the jumper cables caught fire. Came within seconds of burning me and my car up. Thank God I saw the smoke and quickly took them off.

Then I went out that evening. Hung out for a few hours and had dinner at Park At 14th. Nice little spot in DC. The weather that day was just right. My music in the car was just right. It felt good. So good that I had forgotten all about the disastrous week that was.

From Friday to now, which is exactly a week, nothing but good fortune has come my way. I’ve been in a great groove. I guess the moral of the story is that the world goes on. It’s up to you to go on with it or stop and worry about your problems. Two good quotes I try to live by: “Be too busy in the day to worry and too tired by night to worry”. “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”.

I’ll Let My (Unofficial) Big Brother Tell It…Part 2

My homie is on a roll these days. He speaks, people listen, most criticize, I sit back and smile because I feel 100% the same. I’ve idolized a lot of people in my day but no one quite captures my emotions the way Mr.West does. Read up.
kanye-rant

Back To School Journal

December 2006. Due to several factors I decided after three semesters of college that it was time to move on. Had a great time but I wasn’t learning anything I couldn’t learn on my own. I was bored, felt school was a waste of time and money, and I had a few more important things to attend to.

Fast forward to January 2010. At 22 I’m a bit more understanding and patient. I’ve never been much on compromise but I’m trying to learn. Although I can’t see how a college degree could possibly benefit me, I’ve had several elder relatives tell me that it’s their dying wish that I obtain a college degree.

To be honest, I’m not feeling the idea at all but I figure what’s 4 hours a week to sacrifice and possibly make a few folks proud and happy?

On the other hand what is it to make a few folks proud and happy if I’m conforming to something I absolutely don’t believe in?

This, my friends, is my struggle. I figure if I document my experience this time around it might be easier and dare I say, fun. If the journal abruptly stops, you’ll know what happened……..

Class Journal Day 1 (January 13, 2010)

First person here. First one to sign the attendance. I used my Da Fam Inc pen to sign it. Wonder if anyone else is going to walk in here and use such indelible ink, I doubt it. Just me and the teacher here as he eats his Subway sandwich. I can’t access the internet so I’m typing this to avoid sitting here in awkward silence while we await the next victim. I haven’t been in a classroom in a long time. The competitor in me wants to stay and see how good I can do. The other half of me is ready to walk out of this place and go do what I’m really supposed to be doing in this world. However, maybe this can assist what I’m supposed to be doing? It’s impossible to make music and run a company when everyday you’re getting phone calls and strange looks about why you aren’t in school. Now maybe I can buy time as we develop Da Fam Inc into the monster corporation it will be. And maybe, just maybe, this piece of paper (degree) that everyone says is so useful will be able to help me…..how? I don’t know.

Class Journal Day 2 (January 20, 2010)

Today I was a few minutes late to class. Had to stop by home to shower real quick and sometimes that hot water is difficult to step out of. I hate being late. If you study history you’ll see that most great people were always on time. When you’re late you usually have to say “sorry I was in traffic” or “sorry I had to attend to family issues”; great people hate apologizing so they avoid situations that will force them to do so.

15 minutes in and I’m enjoying todays talk a bit more. We’re discussing goals. The professor just said “if you don’t know where you’re going, how will you know when you get there?”….I like that. Now we’re watching a video and the guy is talking about SMART GOALS.

Specific (There should be some detail as to what you want to accomplish)
Measurable (Goals that are measurable indicate how much progress has been made.)
Attainable (Set goals that challenge, because challenging goals are motivating. The goals should not, however, exceed the resources available to the goal-setter.)
Realistic (Basically the same as attainable.)
Time. Based (Every goal needs a deadline for completion.)

See, where this school stuff loses me is with this attainable and realistic stuff. I’ve noticed school in general preaches “realistic goal setting”, “knowing what you can’t do”. I hate that kind of talk. Who’s to say what a person CAN’T do? That word isn’t allowed around me. All my goals far exceed my resources, so should I quit? Did Oprah’s resources match where she is today?

Now some guy behind me is confessing to “kidding” himself. 40 minutes into class and he’s already buying into this nonsense that his goals can’t be achieved. Now he’s about to join the billions of people who will settle for mediocrity because they were led to believe they’re “kidding” themselves. “No vision, lack of ambition, so wack!” – Jay-Z

I can get with this new topic. Talking about overcoming procrastination. The solution, according to everyone here, is to just do it. Don’t think, just do it. If you know me, you know I always have to question everything. So I asked, “can’t procrastination be a good thing sometimes? sometimes we just do so much that we miss vital signs. maybe what we call procrastination can also be a good way of gaining a better perspective before acting.” We’ve concluded that I’m right as well as the people who say just do it. I can live with that.

Second class is in the books. Can’t say I’ve learned anything new these first two weeks but it feels good to be amongst such a diverse group throwing ideas and philosophies around. I’ll live to see another day. Until next week, peace.

I Think I Can Shoulder It

I wasn’t blogging or updating this website back in September but here’s what happened. I was down in Atlanta with my cousins having a good time when suddenly a drunk driver collided with us going about 60 mph. It was my first ever car crash. The result was all of us being taken via ambulance to the hospital. I ended up flying back home the following day after being discharged and for the next 3 months I’ve been bounced back and forth from therapist to doctor trying to figure out what the problem is.

Basically when we were hit our car flew from the lane we were in to the side of the road. While this was happening my elbow went into the glass window – I was rear passenger seat by the way. That impact kind of dislodged my shoulder and so the story goes. Is it a tear? dislocation? nothing? Only heaven knows. I just know I’ve had pain in my shoulder ever since and I continue to be physically active which probably doesn’t help but I can’t put my life on hold for three months. The girl at the MRI place last week said I was “too muscular” to get clear results. I thought to myself “if I wanted to be flirted with I could have gone to the grocery store, just tell me what’s BROKEN.”