I still dream vividly
I still wake up every morning and thank God
I still don’t like to be around fake
I still define fake as misrepresenting who or what you truly are
I still don’t fear
I still have an affinity 4 pain and struggle…it’s there. Why not embrace it?
I still respect pops…as a man
I still wish he understood or would understand
I still want to help everyone I come across
I still realize that some people need but don’t want help
I still try anyway…
I still know my brother is the greater of the two sons mom made
I still know I have to be the one to pull the greatness out of him
I still know I will
I still love her 4 who she is and all she’s done
I still struggle to tell her in ways that don’t seem borrowed from a movie or a song
I still need a Grammy
I still will win one…unless I run out of time. I won’t run out of time
I still smile at those who thought criticism would stop me
I still barely hear them…the success is too loud
I still love them…it was their fear and weakness speaking
I still wish I could disappear 4 a year or two
I still realize that you’ll miss me, so I won’t….yet
I’m still learning
I’m still growing
I still don’t know a thing
I’m still fine with that…it’s gotten me this far
I never wanted to be famous, not even popular. Not even remotely known. Just wanted to get messages out, inspire people to be better and possibly profit from it in the process.
Those are the loudest thoughts going through my head as I write this 400th iamphella.com post. It’s been 3 years now and I sincerely thank you all who read what I write…thanks for sticking with me through the droughts, the highs, the lows and the in between. Thanks to those who left and came back. Thanks to those who are new. Thanks!
I’m far from famous and that’s the scary part. If I’m already feeling too known and too on the radar at this point, what’s going to happen as we go further? Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for every fan, friend, and follower I gain; without that, these words would mean nothing. However, I wish there was a way to get my vision out without having to attach my name or face to so many things and so many people. I know the day is coming but it can’t come soon enough. I just want to make change in the world (using artistry, athletics and literary work), put change in the pockets of those I love, buy a few nice things and ride off into the sunset — only to be heard from when I absolutely have something useful to say.
I just feel like the world, in particular the young entertainment world, is so loud. Just noise everywhere. Everyone trying to out- “cool” and out- “grind” one another. So few actually cool. Even fewer actually grinding. Attention seeking is at an all-time high, regardless of the price we have to pay. I can’t blame people. We’re currently more lost than human beings have ever been. On a minutely basis we have all these things being thrown in front of us that distract us from the main goals in life. Even the most focused man or woman will occasionally give into the temptation…this week alone I’ve strayed from my eating habits twice, slept way past my 5AM wake up time all five days of the week, failed to make enough time for my spiritual practice and served my own interests far more than I did anyone else’s.
I guess I never realized just how bad it was because I’ve been in it for so long. But after two relatively noise-free months, to suddenly find myself conference calling while driving across state lines, while updating statuses is a reality check as to how crazy things can be. And like I said, this is just pre-game. The further into this year we get and with the hard work myself and people around me seem like we’re about to do, the calling, driving, and status updating only increases from here on out.
It doesn’t help that I’ve watched my favorite movie, “Carlito’s Way”, a few times. For those that don’t know, I’m convinced that minus a few differences, that character is me; that’s why I jokingly call myself Phellito sometimes. Basically a guy gets out of jail and swears to live a clean life; all he needs is to get his girl, get some money, and disappear to paradise. Unfortunately for him, he gets caught in a web of betrayal, not knowing who is who or what is what. Despite the change in mind frame, he’s still surrounded by people and things that bring the very kind of trouble he’s trying to escape. What can he do? It’s all he knows. That loyalty to “friends” and inability to completely separate from all things bad cost him everything. For me it won’t. I’ll say peace out to all worldly things before I allow myself to succumb to the pressures of them.
All that said, check out my latest videos (www.youtube.com/dafamcam), my two updated websites (www.dafaminc.com) & (www.dafamink.com), add me on Facebook: Tobi ‘Phella’ Alli, Twitter: @Phella. Damn.
Little freestyle I did to Keri Hilson’s “Pretty Girl Rock” a while ago. It’s the holidays so I might as well share. Enjoy.
Posted in iamphella
Tagged Check Out My Swag Yo, Old Reflexes Coming Back, Or Do You Just Skim Thru It?, Sounds
About 12 hours till I officially turn 23. In certain aspects, I’m surer than I’ve ever been. In other aspects, I’m more unsure than I’ve ever been.
Back home. My brother is growing into a man and it’s interesting. I’m being careful not to do to him what my father did to me, which is to not acknowledge my growth. People mature and their interests change. To treat them the way you used to treat them only causes separation.
My mother is funny. When you call her phone — now instead of a regular ring — you hear the sounds of Eminem’s “Not Afraid”. She knows more about pop culture than me. If you’ve ever thought of me as fly or cool, that’s where it comes from. She’s cool. But the best thing I think I gained from her is how to turn a little into plenty. You don’t need a lot to do a lot; $100 can be $1000 if you know what you’re doing.
Friday I was surrounded by models, bottles, and half of my high school. Had fun, but in a sleepy-I’m-really-not-here type of way.
Last night I was in the midst of some of my favorite NBA players and some of the most beautiful women you’ll ever see. Had fun, but in a sleepy-I’m-really-not-here type of way.
I wanna create. When I’m not creating, I’m pretty much incapable of fully enjoying anything.
The circle keeps getting smaller and smaller. Maybe it’s my fault for ignoring the Blackberry so much (see above picture). Maybe it’s their fault for not growing with me. Maybe it’s no one’s fault and it’s just natural to separate. The ones who come back are there to stay.
Had a good birthday dinner last night courtesy of my business manager, Kunle. We’re gonna take over the world…I just pray that I’m alive for it.
The next time we speak I’ll be older and hopefully wiser.
Peace + Love!
I love pushing and challenging myself because it takes your mind off of everything else in life. If you’re pushing yourself to the max (with anything, doesn’t have to be physical), there’s usually no room to stress or worry. It’s called Optimal Activity. So whenever life hands me some funny looking cards, I laugh, say “King Kong Ain’t Sh*t On Me”, then go into these intense days, weeks, sometimes months of training– however long it takes for the problem(s) to get solved.
Excuse the stupid fist pumping music, it’s Jersey.
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Posted in iamphella
Tagged Check Out My Swag Yo, I'm Not Bored This Is What I Always Do, Old Reflexes Coming Back
If you walk into my apartment, all you’ll pretty much see are windows, open space, and water bottles; I do own a Playstation 3 but no games for it. To most this may seem like a recipe for boredom but for me it’s an opportunity to challenge my mind and my body. I’m hardly home but when I am, I’m reading, working on music, working on marketing plans, or doing these insane (Insanity Workouts), and sometimes I videotape them to see what they look like. I don’t want my mother seeing me half naked on the Internet (sorry ladies) so this picture will have to suffice for you to get the idea.
Sidebar: Am I going bald?
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Posted in iamphella
Tagged Allow me to introduce myself, Check Out My Swag Yo, Went To Sleep Hustlin And Woke Up Ballin
I think this is a very underrated part of living a happy and successful life. Life tends to follow patterns. I’m guilty of going through phases where things aren’t going the way I like them to so I grow my beard and my hair out, wear sweats all day, and generally lose every bit of flyness my mother instilled in me growing up. Not the way to go. Jay-Z once said, “in the midst of all your misery, stay fly n*gga”. Very true.
It might not be wise to go buy expensive jewelry or clothing while in a downward swing, but it’s important to maintain who you truly are even when things aren’t great. If you look like you’ve given up on life, you’ll give up on life. If you look like a successful person, you’ll be a successful person. I’ve always referred to haircuts as my “reset button”. A trip to my barber always turns things around for me and I guess it makes sense. When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you gain confidence. When you exude confidence, people buy into what it is you’re selling and you’re right back on the road to success.
Now that my creative process is winding down (not to say that it ever leaves) I’m able to get back to my normal self of hanging out and joking with friends. I was out in Fairfax, Virginia for a few hours on Saturday and sheer madness took place. From playing baseball and football in the street to me winning a teddy bear hippo (pictured above) in one of those machines that people swear you can’t win from. Thanks to modern technology, some of those moments were captured for your viewing pleasure.
I love being in studios. Especially ones with creative and energetic people. There’s a certain vibe people give off when they believe in what you’re doing and even if they don’t see the entire vision, they see enough that they want to help you get it out. It’s a great feeling for someone like me who comes from being the only one in the room who sees something and having to generate my own energy from within because everyone else is staring at me like I’m wasting time. It’s easy to believe in yourself AFTER everyone else believes in you, but believing yourself BEFORE everyone else does is the true test. I don’t think that’s grammatically correct — it’s 6AM so pardon me.
I’ve spent less time in actual recording settings than probably any other serious artist on the face of this earth. Just never had the resources or time to be in a studio for hours upon hours. So I will admit that I’m behind the curb as far as familiarity with recording, breath control (as you see in the video above), and things of that nature. If you know anything about me though, I pretty much get a late start on everything in life…..and then I pretty much always catch up…..then I pretty much always keep going.
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Posted in iamphella
Tagged 4 Da Fam, Allow me to introduce myself, Check Out My Swag Yo
