i am Phella

I’ve tried to write several times over the past month and it just wasn’t coming out right. My mind was too clouded and I think I was writing from a negative place. The only thing more dangerous than speaking from a negative place is writing from a negative place. Writings, especially now with the Internet, can live forever…it would be tragic to have something you wrote negatively influencing people a thousand years from now.

Speaking of regretting something you wrote or said, Jay-Z recently said “what kind of animal would say those things?” when discussing some of his lyrics about women on the song “Big Pimpin.” I’ve been there. I cringe at times when I hear or read the thoughts of myself at age 17 or 18. That guy was lost and didn’t know it. No religion, no emotion, no law of governing, no respect for authority (still working on that) or family values; just a kid who felt the world did him wrong so now I’m gonna get rich and get payback.

That was me at my most lost stage in life. I believe most of the people in our world are lost most of the time. Some of us who know we’re lost, with hard work, are able to find ourselves and hold on tight till the next moment of being lost occurs. Others, however, fall into the trap of thinking they’re perfectly fine and continue to spiral into self destruction.

I look at it like this: The world is this incredibly big room with so much going on at all times, both good and bad. We’re all thrown into this room at birth and it’s up to us to make the best or the worst out of it. So we begin living life, trying to find our best position in the room. Have you ever tried to find something in the dark? Pretty tough. That’s why so many people lack an identity and are so undecided on so many things. When we lose our light in the room, it makes it difficult to know what is what and who is who. You can’t even see your own self. I don’t know about you but my mirror doesn’t work too well in the dark.

Loss of light is no fault of ours. On occasion, something happens that will cause the room to appear dark for us. It might be losing a spouse, losing a job, losing money, losing a relative, losing an opportunity. So many things can make us feel like the light is off in the room — loss just seems to be the number one cause. In these moments of perceived darkness, the only way to not become lost in this room and maintain who you truly are, is to either be so in tune with the room and yourself that you’re able to see that it’s not dark and that there is light, or to find something or someone that provides light and hold on to them. This is usually a parent, a spouse, a friend, co-worker, or even a spiritual guide that you can’t see physically.

Here comes the pain. When that thing or series of things happen that make you feel the world is ending and the room is dark, if you’re not careful, you’ll grab onto the first thing that presents itself. There are plenty of opportunists just waiting for you to not see light so they can present you with fake light and hope you’ll gravitate towards it. These people range from cigarette companies, to drug dealers, to those that sell sex, to just your everyday person. Then you have those who might even care for you but they don’t see light either. Clinging onto them, as convenient as it may seem, is even more dangerous.

Because you’re both not seeing light, you start to believe in each others logic and ways of doing things. Might as well right? In absence of light, go wherever and do whatever with whoever. They present you offers you can’t refuse and vice versa. A perfect example would be myself many years back. I was surrounded by people that saw nothing but darkness. I saw nothing but darkness. We all held on to each other and as a result things only got darker. In your mind it feels like it’s getting brighter. You’re making money, “living the life”, but in reality you’re just surrounding yourself with more darkness disguised as light. It’s why I feel so much for drug fiends. They saw darkness and the drugs seemed like light to them and now they’re so hooked that their chances of ever seeing true light are crushed.

I’ll give you a less tragic example. Sometimes when I’m in a dark place and not conscious of it, I’ll gravitate to something like Facebook and write something like “never trust anyone” as my status. That’s obviously nonsense since we know that you must learn to trust in order to be trusted, but other people will actually read that and ‘like’ it on Facebook. If I’m not careful, I could take them liking it as a sign that what I’m saying is good and further myself down that dark path.

I’m very conscious of my position in this room called life. My sole purpose is to help as many people see light as I can before I die. If I happen to drive a few fancy cars in the process and wear some nice clothes, so be it. I’m fortunate to know where my true light is at all times so even when I experience loss or something tragic, I can quickly retreat before I go too far down the dark path.

Find someone or something that has light and never lose sight of that thing or person. Even if you decide to stray away from time to time to go find your own light, keep that thing or person close by. On your journey, something is going to happen that will make this room seem dark and you’ll need to quickly be able to find light or risk being consumed by darkness.

To reference pop culture real quick, I think Kanye West is a person clearly consumed by darkness right now — his album is called My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. He lost his mother, then lost his mind, then lost his fiancee, all in the same year. He has all he ever wanted from the room but the lights still seem off to him. Then he got a new girlfriend (Amber Rose) and seemingly has lost her too. Now convincing him that there’s light anywhere in this room is going to be very tough. Luckily for him, he’s conscious of it and all of the music he’s making and visuals he’s putting out are his attempts to find that place of light again. Good luck to him. I’ve been there many times and I know what that fight for light is like.

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“Life becomes harder for us when we live for others, but it also becomes richer and happier.”

“We are not put on this earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”

“The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity.”

“All success consists in this: You are doing something for somebody – benefiting humanity – and the feeling of success comes from the consciousness of this.”

“If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Up to his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.”

Those are some beautiful quotes from people throughout history plus an Emily Dickinson poem. But let’s call on Will Smith for the perfect definition of service: “If you’re not making someone else’s life better, then you’re wasting your time. Your life will become better by making other lives better.”

That right there is it. Close the case. Bang the gavel. Everyone go home.

I’m a successful person. Slice it anyway you want to, judge my faults and flaws, audit my 23 years of living if you wish — at the end, you’ll arrive at someone who is successful. Not because of any money I’ve made, because I haven’t made that much. Not because of any girl I’ve had, or any car I’ve driven, or any celebrity that I’ve worked with/for. I’m successful because I made a turn about three years ago to dedicate my entire life to serving others and the world. Muhammad Ali says “service is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.”

What happens when you don’t pay rent over a period of time? You get kicked out, right? The world doesn’t necessarily want to kick us out but it will make our time here difficult if we refuse to pay rent. The universe simply doesn’t work well for those of us who take an approach of living only for ourselves. It doesn’t take too kindly either to those of us who choose to serve only a select few who are of some benefit to us. The idea is that you rid yourself of all pride, all ego, and all selfish beliefs. You embrace the hardships of the world and use it to make yourself and others stronger.

Falling down a flight of stairs and saying to people “don’t ever take the stairs” is a disservice because they may need something that’s on the second level. Falling down a flight of stairs and saying to people “use caution when you take the stairs” is a service because now you’ve given them your knowledge and empowered them instead of making them weaker. You make a choice that you’re going to use your gifts to make every person you encounter better, regardless of how difficult it is. Then and only then can you experience true happiness and true success. It’s why Tupac, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, MLK Jr., and such people will live forever. They were ultimate servers.

If it ever seems like some people just have all the good fortune while others just have all the misfortune, study them closely and see who is into service and who isn’t. Who puts out positive images, thoughts, and ideas into the world, and who doesn’t? Who sets a good example for followers and who doesn’t?

There was a time when I summed myself up as a guy who wants to make money, make music, and take care of his family; period, end of story. Those words cost me years of misfortune. Everything under the sun went wrong. Finally when I was at rock bottom, I subconsciously made a switch in the year 2008. A lightbulb went off in my head that simply said “you have power, use it.” Then I began to serve. The more power I used, the more I received. Instead of just talking about my struggle for complaining sake, my songs began to also offer up solutions that were beneficial to others; music started getting better. I started this website and began to write straight from the heart for others to read and learn from; it caught on like wildfire. I joined a company — not to make money — but to help people with talent advance; money and accolades began to pile up. No coincidence ladies and gentlemen.

Service isn’t about writing a song or starting a blog per se, it’s about finding yourself by constantly serving. You don’t even have to say a word to serve. A nurse that really cares for her patient is serving. A model that uses her beauty to make people feel better is serving. Each one of us is a leader at some point or another. We all have gifts we’ve been equipped with. If you’re failing to use those gifts or misusing them, you’re failing to pay rent and the universe is going to kick you to the curb for thinking you can have a room and not pay rent.

I used to have a dislike for all things such as Facebook, Twitter, Blackberry Messanger, and even to a certain extent, this blog. A part of me would love to just live inside this private box and keep my thoughts and ideas to myself. But it’s not about me. The universe doesn’t care what I dislike. I have tools to make people who view my Facebook, Twitter, BBM, and blog bettter — to not use them or to misuse them would be a huge disservice to them and me. I know this because there was a time I gave up this blog for about 8 months or something like that. For selfish reasons I took away something that was serving several other people and the Universe punished me for it. I lost the attention of many people who believed in the Phella brand and it took me nearly a year to regain some, while others are lost forever.

None of us can be perfect; we all have shortcomings and flaws. But if you ever wonder why certain people have that glow or mystique to them, watch how they serve. Why do you think Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook just donated $100 million to the city of Newark, NJ where I live? Why do you think just about every rich and successful person has a foundation or charity? They’ve discovered that service is the only way they will continue to have good fortune and ever come close to finding true happiness.

Even when we do wrong, service provides us almost a ‘get out of jail free’ card. The drug dealer who sells so he can feed his daughter is ten times less likely to get caught than the drug dealer selling to buy jewelry and cars.

If you think everything I just wrote was complete nonsense, look at it this way: This world is a battlefield. Serving comes with night vision goggles, bulletproof vests, armored tanks and all. The universe sees that you’re using your time here wisely and it gives you the tools you need to survive and continue serving until your time to leave comes. Lack of serving comes with the t-shirt you have on and that’s about it. The chances of suriving in a battlefield with just a simple t-shirt are very low. The beauty of life is that we’re given multiple chances to change our ways and committ to serving. It literally can start right at this moment.

You’ve been served.

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Been a while my people. I’ve been on the road a lot lately, handling business and living life. You know that means I have a lot to say and I promise I’ll share once I’m able to gather all my thoughts.

For now, this is what I leave you with.

If you turn your music up loud enough and drive fast enough, you can ignore a flat tire for awhile. Your friends and family rarely will be the ones to point out the flat tire to you because they’re riding in the same car, listening to the same loud music. By passers probably won’t tell you either because they don’t care enough.

In the event someone does try to tell you your tire is flat, chances are you might take offense. Very few of us are willing to hear that our precious car isn’t 100%. So what it’s going to take is some serious soul searching — something a lot of us hate to do due to what we may find. You’re going to have to turn that music off, slow down the car — maybe even stop it, and go check the tire for yourself. Only then will you know if it’s flat, just how flat it is, and what can be done to fix it.

If you don’t know much about cars, I’ll tell you how it works. When your tire first starts to go flat it can perform pretty well for a long time. You can go about your regular day to day and not notice a thing. But eventually the tire starts to deteriorate and before you know it, it’s completely flat. Now you start to get to the rim and once you drive on your rims, you’re talking major damage that will take major repair.

What I’m saying is this: We can tell ourselves that our lives are fine all we want. We can do all these things to distract us from soul searching. We can surround ourselves with friends and family that tell us only what we want to hear. We can assume that since the public says nothing is wrong then nothing is wrong. At the end of the day, only we can search internally to know if something needs repairing. And if you find that something does need repairing, neglecting it will only cause further damage. Sometimes beyond repair.

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Baby I’m Selphish

The last time we spoke was right before my 23rd birthday. That was two and a half weeks ago and since then things have changed drastically. I can honestly admit to being a bit more selfish these days — in the sense that I’m more about self now as opposed to putting others before me only to have those same people show lack of appreciation. Gone are the days of trying to change or improve people who have no desire to change or improve. I’ve always known that it’s impossible but now I’m acting accordingly. That means complete forward motion and running over anyone or anything that resembles an obstacle, whether friend, family, or in between.

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Hollywood Phell

I was on a panel this past Tuesday on the Manhattan Neighborhood Network for a show called “Respect”. It was an absolute honor to be on that kind of forum and have a chance to speak my mind for New York City and those tuning in on the web to see. Television and film has always been a huge part of my goals but I’ve never actually put those dreams into motion. I’ve of coursed studied a lot but now I’m actively pursuing roles and appearances. At the end of the day — whether through film, fashion, sports, or music — my goal is simply to use my giving abilities to entertain people and enlighten people. I must thank everyone who tuned in and especially thank my family and friends that called in. You guys are everything to me.

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Hamsterdam

A few weeks ago I was at a party hosted by Idris Elba, the actor from American Gangster, This Christmas, and of course HBO’s The Wire. The Wire feels all too real when I move around Newark and the Oranges (South and East) in New Jersey. Let’s throw Harlem, NY into that mix too — we saw some crazy stuff there the other day. For as long as there’s the United States, there will probably be drugs, violence, and prostitution. What’s glaring is how those things are so accepted in certain communities and how desensitized we (meaning myself and a lot others I see) are to it.

A fiend throwing up by your shoe? Side step her, maybe laugh, and keep going. Someone shot and killed outside your building? Watch from your window as the cops piece together the puzzle, make jokes about how the killer better not target you the next day, and go back to sleep. Those are just two examples of many. What I’m debating in my head is whether it’s normal to see destruction as normal and borderline entertainment. I think both media and most of our upbringings are to blame. If you see something on a regular basis from age 9 to 23, after awhile it becomes the norm — no matter how gruesome that norm might be. If as a grown and somewhat-guided man I can’t see the wrong in these things, I wonder what chance these young and misguided kids stand. To be continued I guess….

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Crazy A** B****

Women aren’t from Venus. Show me a person from Venus and I’ll figure them out faster than I can figure out some women. I guess that’s a good thing. The women you can figure out easily are usually those that aren’t worth much time or effort. But still, at some point or another, blue has to be blue, red has to be red, “I don’t want you” has to be “I don’t want you”. A man on the go has only but so much time to decipher codes and predict hourly mood swings.

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4 Da Fam, Not 4 u or I

Da Fam Inc is rocking and rolling. I’ve gotten it to a point where it’s going to stand on it’s own — with or without me. That also means with or without anyone else. If you’re building something (a brand, a company, a relationship) in 2010, be prepared for a serious struggle. People don’t want to stick it out anymore. The natural thing to do these days is to abort mission or even worse — they stay on board in a very one-foot-in and one-foot-out type of way; only to disrupt progress with acts of selfishness, greed, and all those other things a sailing ship does not need. Call it cold, call it whatever; I’ll throw anyone into the water if need be. I won’t like it or love it, but it must be done sometimes to keep the ship sailing properly.

Ahoy my friends…..Ahoy!

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