June Bug

Posted on June 27, 2010 by phella

It’s good to write and write honest. If this blog does nothing else, it allows me to reference back to turning points in my life; see where things went right and where things went wrong. Just doing some research I found this post from last June. It was when my car got broken into outside of my families apartment. A few days later, another break in. Several other things happened that month that made it seem like the world as I knew it was coming to an end. A few months later, my family left that apartment and moved into a house in a much safer place and all of that were distant memories.

When you pick up and move 200 miles away from every bit of support you’ve ever had in your life, you lose a lot. That’s anybody — from Bill Gates to Joe Schmoe who just moved from Idaho to Kentucky to sell light bulbs. Little money that used to help take care of this and that suddenly isn’t there. Little meals that used to get cooked for you aren’t there. Bills increase drastically. The mental and physical demands of trying to establish yourself in your new surrounding take their toll on you.

Let me break out my Choppy Writing Style for this next paragraph to give you a glimpse at my month. CWS, which I invented and want 1000% everytime it’s used, is simply listing words and phrases to allow the reader to draw their own conclusion. It saves time, space, and energy.

Girl. Gone. Father. Coma. Almost. Dead. Mother. Worried. Me. Calm. Pulled Over. Several Times. License. Suspended. Tags. Suspended. Insurance. Suspended. Fines. Heavy. Life Savings. Withdrawn. Rent. Late. Bills. Plenty. Funds. Insufficient. Mother. Worried. Girl. Still Gone. Father. Alive Again. Me. Too Busy Surviving. Can’t Call. Weather. Very Hot. Me. Still Smiling. Working Out. Three Times A Day. Eating. Not At All. Sleeping. Few Hours. Trying To Make It. In America. Business. Not Great. “I’m doing great”. Lying. Quit? Never. Go Harder. Went Harder. Got Dizzy. Got Dizzier. Quit? Never. Go Harder. Went Harder. Got Dizzier. Got Headaches. Got Summoned To Come Home. Went Home.

I watched The Karate Kid yesterday with my little brother and it was a great film. It had so many lessons in it and most of them are things that I’ve thought of or written about recently. One of the biggest things I gained from it was when Mr. Han said to Dre, “life will knock us down, but we can choose whether or not to get back up.” Furthermore, the movie showed that getting back up usually isn’t done alone, not even for the strongest fighter.

Dre Parker had to retreat back to Mr. Han and whatever that girls name was. Muhammad Ali had Angelo Dundee. Rocky had Mickey and Adrian as his support system. We all need to be reminded how great we are, who and what we’re fighting for, then get back up. For me, it’s been my true friends and family. They’ve really been in my corner and gotten me back and ready to fight again.

I was almost reluctant to write this because I didn’t want it to come off as complaining, self-pity, or anything like that. It’s none of the above. I just know that we’re all human and we all go through it — for me it just happens to be every June. Someone, somewhere, at some time, will read this and hopefully they’ll be reminded that they need to get back up and fight.

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Nicki

Posted on June 24, 2010 by phella

It’s been awhile since I’ve shared any of my crushes on here. If you’ve been following since day one then I’m sure you’re well aware how Keyshia Cole and I ended. If not, here you go. After that terrible experience, I decided it was time to focus on women that weren’t in the spotlight. That got me nowhere fast so now I’m back to obsessing over this one particular lady that’s very much in the spotlight. Nicki!!!! When I first met her two years ago, I was just a shy 20 year old guy trying to find his way in this world. I wasn’t ready for her and she sensed it. Her words were “what are you, scared to hug me?”. Well Nicki, I’m no longer shy and no longer scared to hug you. Let’s do this.

nicki-mnicki2

All jokes aside though, watching her come up has been amazing. And say what you want about how her body transformed but it’s more than physical with her. She has this confidence that not many can match. She knows what she wants and goes after it. We like that over here.

Bonus: You already know the soundtrack to this affair. “Nikki” by The-Dream.

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Comeback Season

Posted on June 24, 2010 by phella

“Long as you stay the same, it will come back around” – Jay-Z

Being down is fun sometimes. A lot of times when I play basketball or back when I used to play video games, I let my opponent get a lead. I’ll admit: sometimes I don’t “let” them get a lead, they take it. Either way, eventually instincts kick in, fear and anxiety vanish, and before you know it, I’m back in the game. Not just leading, but winning decisively. Life is going to kick our butts from time to time, that’s a fact. However, it just makes the comeback that much sweeter.

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Phellito’s Way: 2A.M. Rambling

Posted on June 23, 2010 by phella

It’s 2 in the morning. For the first time since I moved here to New Jersey, I fell asleep in the living room, on the uncarpeted floor, at 10pm nonetheless. I think if someone walked in, they would have thought for sure that I OD’d on something, but I didn’t. Just exhaustion is what that was — or like my man Carlito would say, “tired baby…tired”.

Since I’m up and sleep is nowhere in sight, let’s jot down some thoughts I may or may not regret in the morning.

  • More and more I’m coming to terms with the fact that a lot of people don’t want IT, at least not the way I want IT. I can’t really define IT, but whatever IT is, comes at a price many just aren’t willing to pay. This shouldn’t be news to me but I’m one of those naive people that believes in everyone and believes everyone wants to, can be, and will be great. Laziness, ego, pride, and a few other factors will be the demise of many. Ego and pride, I may have, but they are non-factors when it’s time for me to do what I need to do. I’m no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there are plenty of obstacles in life — self-imposed ones only make the journey that much more difficult.
  • Speaking of self-imposed obstacles, one day I’ll share all that has been going on with me the past 3 weeks or so. It’s going to be good. That’s why I can sit here and talk about it in gest, because I know there’ll be a day that it will all be a distant memory and just one more “I remember when” story that I can tell. Stay tuned for that…
  • I watched Jada Pinkett Smith’s new show “Hawthorne” earlier and it was good. The Smith family is doing big business right now and I think it’s cool how Will goes harder for his people than himself. He was in full Obama campaign mode for his son’s “Karate Kid” movie and the same now for his wifes show; a big reason why both are extremely successful.
  • On a professional note, I’ve found one or two big pieces to my puzzle recently. I know I think every piece to the puzzle is big — that’s just my nature, but these people are like the ones that you say in your VH1 story that the day you met them, your life became that much better. I’m willing to bet on it. Time will reveal I suppose.
  • On a personal note, ………………………………………. I don’t know why I find it difficult to talk personal stuff on here now. In my earlier days, I would just say whatever with no censor. I guess something’s are better just left unsaid, at least for a while. I will say that I’m a happily single man, focusing only on my career and nothing else. That last sentence is untrue, I think.
  • Still going hard as ever with the workouts lately. Sometimes as much as three times a day. I don’t know if my body is adjusting but I know for sure that my mind is. I’m becoming a robot again, which is pretty good news. A robot in the sense that only the strongest of things can move me. Everything else, I’m sort of just numb and oblivious too. I wouldn’t recommend that way of living to everyone; we’re human, we should feel. It’s just sometimes your environment is such that feelings get in the way and it may ocassionally require disconnecting the feelings wire to survive.
  • Congratulations to Drake on all those albums sold. The “Thank Me Later” project was solid; I purchased it. I’ve been seeking that groundbreaking debut album like Kanye’s or 50 Cent’s and I’m yet to find it. I’d say Kid Cudi’s project last year was probably the closest to a great debut that I’ve heard. Drake stuck with a formula that he had tested out already and executed it just well enough that you can’t say he had a bad album. I’ll thank him later, when he elevates to a musical plateua I know he can reach. His least selling album will probably be his best. This one was done with the cash registers in mind.
  • Peace!
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My Barber Retired….

Posted on June 21, 2010 by phella

photo-59

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Rope A Dope

Posted on June 20, 2010 by phella


I love pushing and challenging myself because it takes your mind off of everything else in life. If you’re pushing yourself to the max (with anything, doesn’t have to be physical), there’s usually no room to stress or worry. It’s called Optimal Activity. So whenever life hands me some funny looking cards, I laugh, say “King Kong Ain’t Sh*t On Me”, then go into these intense days, weeks, sometimes months of training– however long it takes for the problem(s) to get solved.

Excuse the stupid fist pumping music, it’s Jersey.

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No Comment

Posted on June 20, 2010 by phella

Got word from a few people that they tried to comment and couldn’t because they don’t have WordPress. Comments are back on for now. I’m just one man, figuring things out day by day and sharing my experience with the world. I’m glad that after two years, a few hiatuses here and there, people are still interested enough to read, watch, listen, and occassionally hit me up about certain things.

If it’s about something and you don’t want to comment, you can also email me @ phella@iamphella.com

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4 Walls

Posted on June 19, 2010 by phella
Look, I don’t give a fuck again
Thoughts in my head, lookin like a nigga’s stuck with them,
Wishin it abruptly ends, but God woke him up again,
Everything is seeming is so unfair, So unclear,
Trynna reach out, no ones there,
4 Walls tellin him go run where? No one cares,
Screamin this too shall pass, ridin on fuel without gas,
Bills pilin up with out cash, tryin to maintain and out last,
Pray for me, keep tellin niggas patiently, wait for me,
Keep tellin my haters wait and see,
I’m busy tryin’ to fill the vacancy,
Though a long time it’s taken me,
Mothafuckas keep mistaken me,
Mistakenly, they caging me,
Niggas never had no faith in me,
It’s like I’m one semi from death,
I’m just a few pennys from debt,
I got no identity left, victim of Identity Theft.
My problems are never new,
It’s revenue,
Keep blamin them it’s never you,
Keep tellin baby girl Im gonna leave and never do,
Cause even when a nigga needs space,
when you’re lookin’ for a little lee-way,
Somebody put it on replay,
it’s like it gets louder with each day,
Pray.

“4 Walls” Verse 1 by Joe Budden

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Insanity Works Out

Posted on June 18, 2010 by phella

dsc03786

If you walk into my apartment, all you’ll pretty much see are windows, open space, and water bottles; I do own a Playstation 3 but no games for it. To most this may seem like a recipe for boredom but for me it’s an opportunity to challenge my mind and my body. I’m hardly home but when I am, I’m reading, working on music, working on marketing plans, or doing these insane (Insanity Workouts), and sometimes I videotape them to see what they look like. I don’t want my mother seeing me half naked on the Internet (sorry ladies) so this picture will have to suffice for you to get the idea.

Sidebar: Am I going bald?

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Indifference

Posted on June 18, 2010 by phella

“All you’ll get from strangers is surface pleasantry or indifference. Only someone who loves you will criticize you.”

Be very weary of people who never have opinions or thoughts for you. Don’t be weary in the sense that they’re bad people, but understand that they probably don’t care about you too much. I go back to using children as an example. If you see your child, who you love so much, climbing a high place, you’ll probably scream at them to get down. The child may be upset at you for this but at least you weren’t indifferent. An indifferent person would let the child climb, fall, break his neck — then maybe, just maybe, call an ambulance.

I see it all the time in all aspects of my life. People are just too cool or too pre-occupied to care. They have no opinion, no feedback, no nothing.

The sad part about all of this is that most of us tend to seek to surround ourselves with indifferent people. I know I did at one point. “Man I love (so and so) cuz he don’t care about nothing.” Really? Is that a reason to love someone? The problem is that most of us don’t care for the truth. We’d rather seek a comfortable lie to live in and anyone who tries to take us out of it is seeing as the enemy. The true enemy, however, is the person who won’t allow you or your career to be the greatest it can be.

Don’t believe me, look back at all the kids you knew growing up. Think of the ones who had no form of guidance and structure in their lives. The ones who ate whatever, drank whatever — stayed out till anytime of night. They were always classified as “cool”. We always envied them and said we wished we had parents like theirs. I don’t know about your neighborhood, but from mine, every last one of those people are either dead, in jail, or even worse: alive with no possibility of a successful future. That’s the outcome of years and years of indifference.

If you want to get in shape, you get a physical trainer that stays on you and makes you eat healthy and workout. You don’t get an indifferent person who allows the occasional triple cheeseburger or the half mile run that was supposed to be four miles; that would be senseless. Same applies to every other aspect of life. Surround yourself with indifferent people and yes it may be convenient, but trust, you’ll end up in very bad shape in the long run.

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